Fry & Laurie a szexszerződésről

Svédországban mostanában mozdulnak el a szex szerződéses szabályozása felé.

Stephen Fry és Hugh Laurie annak idején csak viccnek szánta ezt.

*

-Are you gonna start then, Richard? -Probably better if I start, Nick, yes.
That way we can thrash out the position in broad terms, -and then we'll know where we stand.
-That'll be the best way.
-I think so, Nick.
I really do.
-Go you on, then.
-Well, the position is that my client wishes, in broad terms -''Broad terms''? -Broad terms at this stage, Nick, yes.
-I think we can thrash out specifics later.
-My client wishes to engage in a bout of protracted sexual intercourse with your client.
-Yeah.
-Can I just chip in here, Richard? -Chip away, chip away.
-Probably gonna save a bit of time if I tell you that my client is keen to proceed along the lines of the standard pre-coital agreement, with just one or two riders and emendations.
-Ah, well, then, in that case, my client is very anxious to expedite matters -as swiftly as possible.
-Yeah.
-How swiftly would that be, Richard? Well, my client was thinking in terms of along the next half hour.
-Yes.
-My client would like it clearly understood that she's not easy.
-Yes, my client is fully aware that your client is not easy, Nick.
-In fact, he wishes me to stress that he has enormous respect for your client as a woman, in a variety of personal, non-sexual ways.
-My client is reassured by your client's position.
-And I'd like to know how your client intends to proceed.
-Well, my client was thinking in general terms of dinner at the Bombay Brasserie, after which, at some mutually agreeable time, he would like to put his tongue inside your client's mouth, and move it around slightly.
-That is more than acceptable to my client.
-My client then suggests putting a hand up your client's skirt and having a bit of an old feel.
-Mmm.
-Which hand would that be, Richard? My client has not yet decided on the hand.
-Okay.
-Well, that's fine.
-If you could just fax us with that, when you get No problem, no problem.
-Fax Nick which hand up skirt.
-I should say that after your client has put his hand up my client's skirt, my client reserves the right to moan slightly.
-I don't see a problem there.
-No, that's fine.
-Well, at this point, my client will suggest that your client drives my client back to your client's flat, where your client will play some James Taylor.
-Ah.
-My client doesn't have any James Taylor at this stage, but he wonders if Art Garfunkel might be an acceptable compromise.
-My client has indicated that Art Garfunkel is definitely not acceptable, but would be prepared to consider Tom Waits.
-Excellent.
-Excellent.
-Moving on, my client would now like to insert He would now like to insert a clause allowing him to spill wine on your client's blouse, which he's then able to mop off gently with a handkerchief, allowing him to brush your client's breasts lightly as he does so.
-Yes.
-We feel that in the interests of both parties, a white wine spritzer should be specified.
-So, white wine spritzer, it is.
-My client wonders whether your client is able to accommodate Yes? able to accommodate a gentle, circular licking motion around the upper body.
-Perfectly acceptable, if my client would be permitted to gaze at the ceiling, and say the words, -''Oh, God'' and ''Yes''.
-''Oh, God'' and ''Yes''.
-Or ''Yeah''.
-Or ''Yeah'', yeah.
-Fine.
-Well, I think a move to the bedroom seems to be indicated.
-Indeed.
-I should point out, however, that my client is keen that this engagement should run along orthodox lines from hereon in.
-Ah.
-Would that preclude the use of salad items? I'm afraid so.
-Well, in that case, my client feels that matters can be brought to a satisfactory conclusion in three minutes.
-Ah.
-Well, now my client feels that that would be premature.
-We feel 10 minutes is more acceptable.
-What say we compromise with six? Six? Six.
-All right, six minutes, then.
-I think, hereafter, we're back on standard contract territory.
-I assume your client will then roll over and turn his back on my client.
-Oh, my client will most certainly do so, yes.
-Your client will then attempt to hold him, and he will behave coldly towards her.
-Quite so.
-My client will feel spurned and shamed, as your client refuses to share the afterglow.
-Yes.
-My client will sneak into his clothes at 5:00 in the morning, go to work early, leaving no note for your client.
-My client will feel immensely rejected and angry at this.
-Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
-My client will pick up the phone once during the afternoon, but fail to go through with the call, after which he'll never be in touch again.
-Mmm-hmm.
-My client will, from hereafter, refer to your client as ''that bastard''.
-Absolutely.
-If my client meets your client at a party, he will blush, look away.
-Mmm-hmm.
-Precisely.
-So I think that's all satisfactory.
-Yes, indeed.
-If your client would like to sign the bottom, here.
-Yes, and your client will sign here.
-You got a pen? NICK: Here you go.
-Could you initial the Tom Waits clause? Excellent.
-Thank you.
NICK: Thank you so much.
-Good.
-Nice people.
-Very nice people.
-Nice people.
-Yes.
-Fancy a steamy sex romp? -Yes, please.